Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . When done correctly, car accessories and decorations can add unique style and class to your vehicle. When done incorrectly, you get an ugly car that tells the world just how dumb the driver is. The seven stupidest ways to accessorize a car are listed below.
7 Flames
Contrary to popular belief, those flame decals on the side of your ’94 Dodge Neon are doing little to convince me that you’re currently accelerating beyond the sound barrier. Look, I get it – you think your car is hot. So hot in fact, that the 4-cylinder engine under the hood is en fuego. The symbolism does not escape me, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that flame decals are incredibly stupid. When it all comes down to it, the only type of car that should be covered in flames is the PT Cruiser. And by that I mean actually set on fire, because those things are ugly and need to put out of their misery.
6 Bullet Decals
Bullet decals are the red-headed stepchild of the flame decal. Like flames, they are supposed to indicate to the world that you are a badass. However, if you were really a badass, wouldn’t you be the one doing the shooting rather than the one getting shot at? Also, look at a bullet decal and you’ll realize that the “outwardly bending metal” of the sticker suggests that the gun shot came from inside the vehicle. And if you’re shooting up your own vehicle from the inside, then that’s not tough – it’s just plain stupid.
5 Too Many Bumper Stickers
So you listen to ska music? That’s cool – not really my thing, but that’s okay. Everyone can and should be passionate about something. However, when you feel the need to reduce your road visibility by covering your rear glass with Skankin’ Pickle stickers, you know you’ve got a problem.
Similarly, I know there’s a time and place to bring up such topics as politics, saving the planet and which radio station you think rulez with a Z, but sitting on the highway during morning rush hour isn’t it. I hate to break it to you, but no pun, no matter how clever, can get me to change my core values about eating meat or voting for Dukakis in ’88.
4 Underbody Neon Lights
Now here’s the perfect car accessory for the raver on the go. Bright neon lights are great when you want to entice people to “Eat at Joe’s” or check out some “Girls! Girls! Girls!” But when it comes to driving a car, there’s really no reason to direct anyone’s attention to that patch of ground that your vehicle is currently traveling over. As such, underbody neon lights are a sure sign that the driver has issues with needing to be the center of attention. That, or he’s overcompensating for something.
3 Stuffed Animals
Stuffed animal collections in cars are awful for many of the same reasons as bumper stickers. Not only is a row of cute, adorable stuffed teddy bears a potential safety hazard, but it’s also just plain creepy. Maybe it’s just me, but I find something unsettling about pulling up to a car in traffic only to be met by the hollow stares of an army of stuffed animals.
If you like stuffed animals, then great! Pile them up on your bed or in other places at home where they can remind you of rainbows and warm hugs and all that other good stuff. But when you’re out in the real world, keep those fuzzy feelings to yourself.
2 Big Wing Spoilers
Wings belong on three things: bird, airplanes and Victoria Secret models. As such, if you’ve tacked on an aftermarket wing spoiler to your beater car, then you’re either incredibly confused or incredibly dumb. Yes, spoilers, when designed correctly, improve aerodynamics and improve vehicle performance. However, in this case, bigger does not translate to better. There’s a thing called subtlety – look into it.
1 Trailer Hitch Testicles
Call me crazy, but there has to be a more tasteful way to tell the world that you’re brimming with testosterone than by hanging a pair of rubber testicles from your trailer hitch. When I see one of these plastic abominations swinging in the breeze at highway speed, I can’t help but wonder what type of person would think this was a good way to decorate their vehicle. Of course, we all know the answer to this question: douchebags. Douchebags are the only people who would do such a thing.
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